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Barangaroo: a lovely park for people who have been in prison for the last 36 years

January 19, 2016

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Guangzhou, one of the main inspirations behind Barangaroo Reserve

The Uber driver was only trying to be friendly.

“Did you see the chicken place?” he asked as he whisked me from Barangaroo Reserve towards home.

“Chicken place?” I replied, wondering if I had missed some kind of petting farm within Sydney’s most talked about public park. “What chicken place?”

“It’s a pop-up restaurant. Does fried chicken. All different kinds. You can get creole, southern, Mexicana – ”

I told the man I had not seen any such thing – nor indeed any restaurant – in the 10 minutes or so that I’d spent walking the length of the harbourfront reserve, north to south. And that was too bad. Because take the hipsterfied junk food away, and Barangaroo Reserve is a wasteland with all the enchantment of the nature strip out the front of Norwest Business Park, Baulkham Hills. Read more…

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That’s not a film: Kate Winslet headlines Australia’s second worst movie ever

January 7, 2016
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“Why are we doing this movie?” “Shut up, I’m acting.”

About a minute into the new Australian movie “The Dressmaker”, Kate Winslet steps off a 1950s bus in a small country town, lights a cigarette and says to nobody, in a broad Australian drawl, “I’m back, ya bastards”. At an open-air screening of the film I recently attended with about 400 people, nobody laughed. Read more…

John Johnsonson’s Top Ten Celebrity Fucktard Moments Of 2015

January 1, 2016

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“Don’t tell anyone, but I’m an objectionable cretin.”

Like most Australians, I heard the news at an Australia Day barbecue. Tony Abbott had given his first knighthood to 94-year-old racist Prince Philip. Rather than recoil in horror, I shut my eyes briefly to savour the warm, deep calm descending over my body. This year, I knew just 26 days into it, was going to be wonderful. Read more…

SPOILER ALERT: “The Force Awakens” Is A Little Bit Shit, And Here Are Seven Reasons Why

December 30, 2015
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One of the new characters in “Star Wars: The Force Awakens”

Okay, okay, the new Star Wars movie is good. In parts, it’s very good. But is it “highest grossing movie of all time, even though it’s only been out for two weeks” good? I don’t think so. It’s certainly not on a par with the original three, nowhere near it. And yes, I’m including the last 20 minutes of Return of the Jedi.

I get that it’s a relief that new director J.J. Abrams delivered something not utterly dreadful, but that’s not the same as making a masterpiece.  Read more…

Sorry, The Left, but Donald Trump’s spectacular rise is your fault

August 9, 2015
Your next president

Ladies and gentlemen, your next president!

Sorry, The Left, but Donald Trump’s spectacular rise is your fault, and the sooner you realise it the better. It was you who started the word policing apology culture that Trump is now smashing. Read more…

The John Johnsonson List of Least Shit Things That Happened in 2014

December 13, 2014
"Where can I pick up that shirt for my boyfriend?"

“Where can I pick up that shirt for my boyfriend?”

As most of us remember, a lot of bad things happened in 2014. Russia invaded Ukraine, Palestine used kids as shields and Israel said “yay, let’s bomb”, Robin Williams killed himself, Read more…

Our new national sport: mourning

November 30, 2014

While the country watched Phillip Hughes’s life end at St Vincent’s Hospital last week, a childhood friend of mine died of a drug overdose on a park bench outside the same hospital.

Read more…